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Thursday, October 27, 2011

Agent / Author Matchmaker!

If there existed a matchmaker site for author/agent relationships...
Agent profile: Enjoys walks on the beach. Just as comfortable accepting the Newbery in crimson pumps, as stomping out a great contract in thigh-high-steel-toed-shit-kickers. 
Writer profile: Shoes? Who needs shoes?
Agent Seeking: Fresh voices -- edgy, unconventional stories about tics and fleas.
Writer Seeking: Someone to sell my books fast for lots of money. 
P.S. Wow! We're super simpatico! I adore F&T!  Especially en croute! In fact I was just working on a fabulously edgy but accessible, unconventional but user-friendly manuscript/app about fleas and tics!  But um, re. T&F... did you mean for or against?   
Agent (check all that apply)
  • Wants to share daily with client, synchronize menstrual flow.
  • Prefers to be spared the inane details of your petty little life. 
  • Prefers contact by phone.
  • Prefers contact through e-mail.
  • I’ll find you when I need to.
  • Wants to be involved in the editing process.
  • Doesn’t actually read manuscripts.
  • Believes in nurturing talent.
  • If you want sympathy, call your mother.
Writer (check all that apply)
  • Needs encouragement, reassurance and praise.
  • Needs tons of encouragement, reassurance and praise.
  • Will settle for moderate abuse in lieu of being entirely ignored.

P.S. FYI Have recently signed with a new agent, so this is actually retro-bitterness, but still.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Write What You Know: CANCER

When my daughter was 14 she was diagnosed with a blood cancer called Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Needless to say it was an unspeakably ghastly time, but beside a little lingering PTSD we all got through it. She’s 21 now, in college, worrying about other things. 
But when we were still in the thick of it, my friend went looking for cancer books for my daughter and her friends. What she discovered was that when kids in books, movies and TV shows get cancer, they die. 
I can’t blame writers or readers for loving a good tear-jerker, but if it’s your kid, your self, or your big sister who’s sick... well, you see my point.
And those story book sick / dying kids were invariably portrayed as saintly and angelic, more concerned with other people’s happiness than their own.  Peaceful, fearless, accepting of their fate.
This was not my impression. Mine was that snotty 14 year olds are snotty 14 year olds, sick, well, or on a Ferris wheel. The patients at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles were as bizarre and motley as any other huge group of kids. 
And another thing I learned and re-learned and re-re-relearned going through the whole cancer nightmare, was that people inadvertently say and do incredibly insensitive and cruel things. 
True no one knows what to do, and there is no one right thing to say besides, “OOPS! It’s all been a mistake! Your daughter is perfectly fine!”
So, once my daughter was in the clear, I set about writing a funny, teen, cancer survivor book based on her medical experience... Keeping these three things in mind,
1. Not all sick kids die. 2. Sick kids are no different than any other kids. In fact they ARE any other kids except they got sick. And 3. Sick kids, like the rest of us, are surrounded by idiots. 
The truly horrific reality (finding out you’re sick, getting chemo and the side effects of chemo, hospital stays, trying to return to normal, school, well meaning friends and strangers...) makes for a scary enough story without having to kill anyone. 
And I got to get back at all the stupid things people did by including them in the story! Pure spite and delicious revenge! 
When the manuscript was done, I showed it to my daughter. She gave it her resounding approval and off it went. 
SIDE EFFECTS was published in 2006, and the paperback followed a year or two later. The reviews were great and it still sells well... Although there have been complaints about the character's "language."  
But the best part BY FAR are the fan letters.
I like all my fan letters. Even the e-mails saying they have an author report due on me in the morning and need answers quick. 
But none compare to the letters I get from young people with cancer who thank me for writing a book that tells their story. 
So that’s why I agree, at least this once, with the old saw about Writing what you know.