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Thursday, October 27, 2011

Agent / Author Matchmaker!

If there existed a matchmaker site for author/agent relationships...
Agent profile: Enjoys walks on the beach. Just as comfortable accepting the Newbery in crimson pumps, as stomping out a great contract in thigh-high-steel-toed-shit-kickers. 
Writer profile: Shoes? Who needs shoes?
Agent Seeking: Fresh voices -- edgy, unconventional stories about tics and fleas.
Writer Seeking: Someone to sell my books fast for lots of money. 
P.S. Wow! We're super simpatico! I adore F&T!  Especially en croute! In fact I was just working on a fabulously edgy but accessible, unconventional but user-friendly manuscript/app about fleas and tics!  But um, re. T&F... did you mean for or against?   
Agent (check all that apply)
  • Wants to share daily with client, synchronize menstrual flow.
  • Prefers to be spared the inane details of your petty little life. 
  • Prefers contact by phone.
  • Prefers contact through e-mail.
  • I’ll find you when I need to.
  • Wants to be involved in the editing process.
  • Doesn’t actually read manuscripts.
  • Believes in nurturing talent.
  • If you want sympathy, call your mother.
Writer (check all that apply)
  • Needs encouragement, reassurance and praise.
  • Needs tons of encouragement, reassurance and praise.
  • Will settle for moderate abuse in lieu of being entirely ignored.

P.S. FYI Have recently signed with a new agent, so this is actually retro-bitterness, but still.


karen said...

not there yet but I think I get it...I have hopes one day.

Betty Birney said...

Thanks for making me laugh, Amy!

susan patron said...

So, may we have that F&T en croute recipe? Seems as if it would be the ultimate holiday literary gift...

Theresa Varela said...

Very funny post! I am hoping to be retro-something- still, soon.

Amy Goldman Koss said...

Thanks for the words, Karen, Betty, Susan & Theresa.
xoxoxoxox a

eluper said...

Glad you typed that disclaimer at the bottom of this post, otherwise I'd be forced to narrow my eyes at you!

eluper said...

Whoa, my capcha for my previous post was "fornicad." What kind of blog are you running, Amy?